Catalina: The Last Resort

Catalina is a high-rise block of resort-style holiday apartments located in Maroochydore, Queensland, Australia. If you're thinking of spending your money and your vacation there, you should read this first.

Now, don't get me wrong.

The location is terrific - it's across the road from one of the best beaches in Australia. The views are stunning. Shopping, dining, recreation - it's all nearby.

But what lets Catalina down so spectacularly is the astoundingly poor customer service provided to its guests. Let me explain.

We booked an 18 night stay in the Catalina penthouse during February and March 2010. Now the penthouse is quite luxurious, as you might expect, for a rack rate of $500 a night. Three and a half grand a week buys five stars in anyone's currency. Or it should.

What we got for our money fell a long way short of five star service.

On top of the tariff, Catalina's policy at check-in time is to demand a $500 CASH bond before they'll hand over the keys to the apartment you've booked. Your credit card is no good. When I inquired why, the brassy receptionist explained, out of the side of her mouth, "Been caught once before. Not gunna let it happen again." I see. Way to make your guests feel like Schoolies.

Of course, none of that happens until you actually get to check-in. Despite arriving several hours early, and offering to settle the paperwork and the account there and then, I was told to come back later. I didn't want to move in - just to check in. But no.

Well, then, while I pick up some groceries for our stay and collect my family from the airport, would you mind storing my luggage for a few hours ? (Like every other half-decent hotel/motel/apartment complex on the face of the earth routinely does, often without having to be asked?)

OK. Put the bags there. Yep - on the Reception area floor, in plain sight of everyone who comes in and out. Let's hope they'll still be there later.

When I did return, accompanied by my wife and three young kids, I was made to stand and wait at the Reception desk -- for fifteen minutes -- while the receptionist explained Catalina's room rates to a casual phone inquirer. Strike Two: Keep your paying customers standing around while you deal with people who may never become customers (and who are apparently too thick to read the rates displayed clearly on the resort's website). Clever.

So, anyway, we manage to check in, and the apartment is pretty nice. Although - uh-oh - the toilet in the master bedroom's en suite doesn't flush. Ewww. Neer mind - surely a call to Reception will have that fixed in a jiffy. Well..... no. Our pal the receptionist explained that the maintenance man had gone home for the day. It was 2.30pm. So what are we meant to do until he clocks on again tomorrow? Well, there's another toilet in the apartment isn't there? Oh, OK, and by how much will you be reducing our nightly tariff since 50% of the advertised toilet facilities are inoperative? What's that? You won't? Well, better call a plumber then.

But I ended up taking the cistern to pieces myself and fixing the internals. That was how I spent the first half hour of my holiday at Catalina.

After stowing our luggage in the apartment, I tried to park our car, with a luggage pod on top, in the underground car park. No dice. It wouldn't fit. So I unbolted the pod and sought the key to a storage locker in the car park where I could keep the pod for the duration of the holiday. First, the receptionist gave me a key which, as I discovered after some time, did not fit any of the dozen storage lockers. So I walked back to Reception and she handed me another, this one labelled "Locker #2". Well, I'm sorry, but it did not open Locker #2. Another walk back to Reception. "Oh, no, that key is for Locker number 4," she explained. Silly me. This was how I spent the second half hour of my holiday at Catalina.

Another feature of Catalina is the VERY STRICT RULES that are displayed all over the place. They forbid you to do everything from drinking alcohol at the poolside to tracking beach sand into the building. I managed to get a reproach from a staff member for bringing sand (this is a beachside resort, remember) into the lift. But I didn't notice anyone policing the noisy band of bogans who were drinking stubbies of beer by the poolside at 10am one morning.

OK, then, kids, let's try the Games Room. How about a bit of table tennis? We can hire two bats and a ball from - shudder - Reception. And they will charge you for it, too. A dollar. Is that really necessary?

The apartment is serviced once a week. But there are limits, apparently. The cleaners will vacuum the floors, but they won't wipe the kitchen bench. When we inquired as to why this was not part of the cleaning service, we were told that "the government" had advised them not to use any household cleaners like Spray & Wipe. Uh-huh. The cleaners also will change your towels, but not your face washers. I forget why, now. There was a reason, and it was idiotic, but I'd given up taking much notice by this stage.

It's a bit tragic, in a sense. A beautiful resort, with spectacular views, lush gardens, and great access to one of the world's finest beaches. Dragged down by staff who don't understand how to deliver hospitality, and don't appear to care much, either.

My wife and I had gone to Catalina specifically to roadtest it, with a view to buying an apartment within the complex as a family investment. But having experienced the atrocious quality of the resort management - forget it. We wouldn't go back there, so why would anyone else?